I have a weight problem. That’s obvious, but I think part of me going through this surgery and this lifestyle change is going to be journaling, i.e., blogging. It’s kind of like free therapy. Through this journey, I’m going to blog about how I have felt about myself, things I’ve thought about, wondered about, dreamed of, my successes, and my failures. You can judge me and laugh at me, but don’t feel sorry for me. I’m fine and I’m going to be great, even more great than I ever was before! I’m pretty great anyway, in case you were wondering. :-)
Some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind are......
I’ve lost weight here and there, but I wonder what it will be like to lose a significant amount of weight to the point where my drawers are falling off and I need to run to Wal-Mart and buy more before going to work.
I wonder what it will be like to walk the neighborhood and feel refreshed instead of feeling like someone kicked the crap out of me.
I wonder what it will feel like to eat a very small meal and feel satisfied and full.
I wonder how it will feel to be able to buy workout clothes and actually using them for working out instead of pajamas.
I wonder what it will be like to not feel so self-conscious and not worried about how people are looking at me and what they are thinking of me.
I can’t wait to fly and not have to pull the seat belt out all the way and squish my gut in. I remember a specific time I was flying down to see Mike’s mom, I sat on the aisle seat and guy next to me groaned because I sat next to him. I assume it was because I’m a “big girl” and he felt like he didn’t have any room. Why else would he do that? The plane was full so there was no chance in him getting to sit by himself. I just sat there, hid my face and cried. I love to fly and don’t want to EVER feel that way again.
There was another time I’m sure someone said something pretty ugly about me. We were visiting with Mike’s mom, we were out on the rocks enjoying the waves crashing. There is an outside restaurant and bar right there close to where we were standing and there were some guys at the bar and one of them said something and Mike went over to confront them and I could hear him yelling and then we left. He would not tell me what the guy said, but I had a pretty good idea....beached whale came to mind. I didn’t press the subject with Mike, because I don’t think I really wanted to know, but it was definitely a blow to my self-esteem. I have never forgotten it and probably won’t.
These are big things to me and I think about these quite often. But you know what? Those are things I’m not going to have to worry about anymore, because from this day forward, I'm going to rejoice in my accomplishments and praise God for everything He has done for me.